A 50-foot tall American flag pole that makes a small town Chevy dealership look like amateur hour.
“You probably haven’t seen clean edges like that since you started dating your wife, Tim.”
Part the blinds and sip on your coffee in delight as your neighbors realize your sprinkler system has been perfectly synchronized with their morning run.
“Not if you want to live to see third grade, kid.” when the neighborhood kids ask to play on your yard.
Have samples and brief presentation on soil chemistry ready for whenever company comes over. You never know when someone will ask.
Have a regular rotation of striping patterns copying famous American League ballparks.
“That’s Bermuda, Sarah and it costs more than your entire household income before taxes.”
Refer to yardwork as “walking the grounds.”
Bullhorn and cherry picker for when the lawn crew comes to do your yard.
Hold a free grass clinic every other weekend and advertise it with a large yard sign.
“You know, Jeff, I’d look into a water softener or you may just want to switch to turf.”
Let everyone know you like to keep your soil perfectly chemically balanced at a 6.9 pH level.
“You don’t get it, honey. Clover is devastating to our lawn’s ecosystem. Don’t you remember season two of Yellowstone?”
$300 striping kit.
Refer to next spring as “next season.”
Petition your HOA to ban rubber mulch.
Leave notes at your neighbors with crabgrass to let them know you’re there to help if they have any questions.
Hammer a squirrel carcass to the fence to warn all of the neighborhood animals that this house doesn’t call 911.
