Boomers, Narcs and Gen X MBAs: What’s With the Rush Back to the Office?

Alright, America. Unemployment benefits ended this week. Fun’s over. Pandemic is over. Pay no attention to those alarming covid numbers. It’s time to get back to creating shareholder value under the expert supervision of boomers, narcs and Gen X MBAs, you little corporate bitch. Chop, chop.

There’s 10 million jobs open right now. Get your ass back into the office! I don’t care that Stanford conducted a study that showed workers are 13% more productive from home. The point is that it’s Jim’s 47th birthday and you WILL be singing that goddamn birthday song as this hollowed out husk of a man is handed a $30 gift card to Texas Roadhouse.

If you really want to work from home and be so productive that you can pick your child up from school at 3pm, that’ s fine. Just know that the guy who golfs in his jeans and is terrified of spicy food will be disappointed that you won’t be around for him to linger at your desk for 15 minutes to talk about his mediocre D2 college football team while you’re up against a 4 p.m. deadline.

Look, there’s a simple solution to all of this. You just cannot justify working from home anymore. You can’t. It’s exposed thousands of Gen X MBAs complete lack of value outside of holding useless meetings that torpedo productivity when you could be doing actual work and increasing shareholder value like a good little cog.

The guy who takes lunch at 11:15? What’s he up to? He should likely be under some kind of supervision. You don’t want him home alone, do you?

I understand that you are single, and that due to extreme pandemic precautions at bars and restaurants, you have not felt the touch of a romantic partner in quite some time. We really need you back at the office so the boomer Stasi/office manager Teri can spread rumors that you’re gay because you’re 30 and single.

Now, I’m sure you had a lot of fun with your “pandemic vacation” and you’ve probably even spent time working on a very fulfilling hobby or taken on some home improvement projects that have very well could have led to you learning actual practical life skills other than vlookups and other advanced Excel functions. But that is over, now. You gotta come back to the office. We have a great, insulting “total compensation” presentation planned that involves us showing that when you include healthcare co-pay and embarrassing 401k match, you’re not underpaid! You have nothing to complain about, you ungrateful slave.

Ignore that article that says sunlight is good and fluorescent lights give you skin cancer. We’re ready to have you back in the office!

So, chain yourself to that desk and strap in for the next several decades. It’s great to have you back and watch you die the slow death you deserve. There’s cake in the break room.