Ranking Every TV Network’s NFL Theme by How Bad They Make Me Want to Crush Beers

You want to see a man possessed? Throw on literally any network’s NFL song. These songs are all masterpieces. They hit some sort of golden ratio of sound that tickles a primal instinct within me that makes me want to slam 6-8 beers in a parking lot at 9 a.m. on a crisp, fall morning in Eastern Jackson County.

Every network has their signature. Whether its FOX’s aggressive, dystopian march that they started using for MLB games, or it’s CBS’s modern rock orchestral face melter or NBC’s anxiety inducing Sunday Night Football theme, they all get me going. Which ones get me going the most? It’s hard to say. There’s “gets me going” as in nodding my head along in the backseat on the way to the stadium and then there’s “gets me going” as in I’m hopping up into someone’s truck bed and cranking half empty beer cans into the crowd with a wiffle bat.

Let’s start things off:

6. Thursday Night Football

Yeah, this isn’t the one for me. I’m actually very anti-TNF. It’s the worst product the NFL puts out. I don’t want to watch two absolutely exhausted teams play in a 16-9 slopfest. Ever. Even if they are wearing color rush jerseys.

5. Sunday Night Football on NBC

No. Nothing makes me want to slam beers at 7:15 on Sunday night, even if the Chiefs are playing the Broncos. I’m huddled up on my couch, maybe with a big hot bowl of pho and a bottle of Advil next to me. I still love it though.

4. NFL on FOX

It’s good, but it also reminds me of playoff baseball, which is what usually causes me to drink due to ease my playoff baseball nerves.

3. NFL on CBS

This is it. This is where the blood starts pumping. This is an autumn hymn that gets me so amped up, I’m ready to watch Priest Holmes go for 150 yards, three touchdowns and lose 37-34 to the Bengals.

2. Monday Night Football (1989-2005 version)

Hell yes. Toss me that Busch Light. I’m ready to go. The current MNF song version is just a little to clean for my liking. Give me this epic, old school score. All that I need is Frank Gifford talking over a wide live shot of Arrowhead and I’m in my happy place.

1. NFL RedZone

Yes. God, yes. The DoorDasher has picked up your order from the restaurant and will be at your house in eight minutes. Triple Dipper from Chili’s, a sixer of local hazy IPAs and the warming companionship of Scott Hansen. God bless 3pm kickoffs.

Honorable Mentions:

“The following is a presentation of the National Football League.”