Ranch dressing is as American as apple pie and Santa Claus. The thrill of dunking a fried food item or piece of pizza into a vat of herbed up fat cream is unmistakable. I say the US is a society in decline, but I don’t think any of that has to do with our burgeoning relationship and appreciation for our country’s top culinary contribution to overall culture. Germany has beer. France has champagne. Italy has pasta. The US of A has ranch dressing.
I am currently being attacked online for holding the apparently shocking opinion that the flavor of delicious, spicy, crispy buffalo chicken wings can only be augmented when you baptize it in Midwestern holy water. That bleu cheese dressing is the superior dunking option. Ranch: it’s not just for salads anymore.
If you enjoy standard fare restaurant bleu cheese with your chicken wings, then I’m gonna go ahead and assume Tabasco is your favorite hot sauce.
Regardless, the only way to win a battle in the culture war is to press and double down when challenged. Bow to your benevolent White Trash Food King.
Here are the top ranch dressings in Kansas City:
Benevolent White Trash Food King sez: Grilled cheese for the table, with a side of this tasty homestyle buttermilk ranch.
9. Wings Cafe in Westport
Benevolent White Trash Food King sez: Order extra because these things come in jello shot containers.
8. Minsky’s Peppercorn Ranch
Benevolent White Trash Food King sez: Joe’s KC Burnt End pizza + cheese bread + peppercorn ranch = winner.
7. Red Robin
Benevolent White Trash Food King sez: I don’t care that it’s a chain. It’s just that good. Wings and a wedge salad if you’re watching the waistline.
Benevolent White Trash Food King sez: Nashville hot chicken with a side of ranch and Tums.
5. Taps on Main
Benevolent White Trash Food King sez: Fried pickles + sub in regular ranch for chipotle ranch
4. Pizza 51
Benevolent White Trash Food King sez: As a two-semester student and diehard UMKC Roos men’s basketball fan, there’s nothing I love more than holding court at Pizza 51 before home games at the Pouch of Ouch. Slice of ‘roni, a side of ranch and a Tank 7. RTFU.
Benevolent White Trash Food King sez: Buffalo chicken wrap, tots and jalapeno ranch set an incredible base to watch the Chiefs get their heart ripped out in the playoffs the last two years. Enjoy!
2. Green Room
Benevolent White Trash Food King sez: KC’s most underrated burger joint. A Sunday staple for me after a night of howling at the moon. BBQ bacon cheeseburger, tots, Bloody Mary OR Dr. Pepper, heaping ramekin of ranch.
- Waldo Pizza Garlic Ranch
Benevolent White Trash Food King sez: The undisputed king of KC ranch dressing. The key is to accidentally “spill” too much garlic ranch all over your plate at the salad bar. Choice cut meat lovers thin crust and a Hawaiian thin crust (add jalapenos). Dip it in the leftover ranch. You’ll be so Waldonian after this meal you’ll add a “Mc” in front of your name, buy a seven bedroom house next to Tower Park and birth eight brown haired children.
I look forward to any and all rebuttals, just know that you’re wrong.