What’s the Deal With People On Airplanes Right Now?

I opened the Twitter timeline this morning to yet another abhorrent display of plane behavior.

If that adult child is sitting in front of me, you can bet I’m doing at least one of these things:

-Attempting to get her hair stuck in the tray table.
-Putting spitballs in It
-Sneezing in it
-Putting boogers in it
-Hanging my Dewars nip empties in it like a Christmas tree
-Turning around in a reverse “Thinker position” and cutting a hot fart into it
-Calling the FBI

Put this person on the No Fly List immediately. I understand that this is probably a new weave and you don’t want to smash it down and ruin it, but you are also on a plane with 150 other people, three of whom are less than three feet away from it and have to now stare at it for 2-5 hours.

This is just the latest chapter in America’s ongoing battle against horrendous plane etiquette.

We’ve reached crisis levels at this point. I have never really seen this kind of behavior in person before, but I am going on a golf trip to Myrtle Beach in August, so I am sure the odds of that changing are very good.

Honestly, this is end-of-empire type stuff. People who have no idea that when they fly, you are literally standing on the shoulders of giants. That at one point, taking a trip to Houston included a very high risk of death and took months. Now, you’re there in two hours, you got to get a bit drunk, listen to some podcasts and most importantly, you and your family did not die of dysentery.

The same can be said of the people who are getting removed from planes for not wearing masks or punching flight attendants. You are telling me that after going through two metal detectors, getting your personal belongings x-rayed by a stranger, taking your shoes and belt off, potentially patted down between the legs, you’re going to raise a huge stink about having to wear a mask out of an abundance of caution. While you were screeching about your rights, you seemed to forget that you were pretty much stripped of all of them the minute you used curbside check-in.

It’s time for an American overhaul of plane etiquette. Show up early, have an airport beer, don’t check a bag if you’re leaving for less than three days, be courteous and polite to your flight attendants, don’t bring an entire low country boil onto a plane full of people who likely have a shellfish allergy, basic stuff.