Welcome to the SEC, Texas. You’re Not Special Here and You Never Will Be.

So, Texas. Here we are again. You’re bringing the big orange machine to the SEC. That’s exciting. People from all over the South can finally see up close just exactly how overrated and dysfunctional Austin is.

I cannot begin to tell you how embarrassing it is that Texas – TEXAS! – has to swallow their pride, grab their little buddy OU, tuck tail and follow Mizzou and Texas A&M to the promised land. So now, you will enjoy our milk and honey and enjoy all the fruits of your new neighbor’s labor.

Before you join up with us, let’s make one thing very clear: You are not special here and you never, ever will be. You are in the land of wolves now. You are now sixth, maybe seventh, fiddle in the band.

I opened my Twitter timeline this morning and dodged every mask mandate mortar and Quinton Lucas tweet expertly (mute “covid”, “vaccine”, “mask” and “grandma killer” from your timeline and thank me later). I found this lovely gem which was just as infuriating as everyone’s take about everything these days:

Well, slap my tits and call me Bevo. Thanks, Texas! You subsidized an entire league. Thank you, zaddy. Doesn’t matter that you were a mid-table team in both football and basketball and coasted on reputation for the most part for your relatively brief stay in the Big 12. You lost to kansas for Christ’s sake. In 2016!

Y’all are great. Boy howdy, y’all are great. It’s not like you have completely been wiped off the map of relevancy in the last 10 years and your glorified home shopping channel has been such a massive failure that has led to the demise of what was once one of the greatest conferences in the country. It’s not like you chased off FOUR premier institutions (three of them being flagship universities, three of them being former national champions, two of them being blue bloods, one of them being your biggest rival) and scattered founding members of the conference you invaded to every corner of the country.

This type of bloated sense of self-importance is exactly why you will always be the guy in the leather jacket smoking the cigarette by himself at the party over by the bird bath. You are not special in the SEC and you never will be, simply because you think you’re superior when your record (especially recently) clearly shows that you are not. Good luck lobbying the league to ban the “horns down” motion. You’ll get laughed out of Birmingham.

So, you’ll probably continue to claim that you’re back year after year, when in reality you just went 9-3 and won the Alamo Bowl, which sounds a lot like the fifth best Missouri season in the last 15 years. You’ll continue to hire and fire head coaches before their first recruits even sniff graduation. You’ll keep being Texas. And absolutely no one will care.

The SEC truly is different. You are about to be exposed to a god tier of sports culture that is unmatched and you will soon find out that what you brought to the table wasn’t all that much in the end, no matter what value you believed it held. It really does just mean more. The SEC will continue to thrive on should you decide to yet again attempt to railroad your conference because you’re unhappy.

You have a track record now. A prolific one.

We will gladly take the extra revenue you bring to the conference, but don’t think for a second that we’d be just fine without you.

Welcome to the SEC. You’re going to hate it.

Okay, cool. Hook ’em.