We’re just in an impossible time of the year. Can’t lose weight. Can’t do it. I’m sorry. What do you expect me to do? Diet? With the Chiefs deep in the playoffs again? After the first post-quarantine Christmas? Fuck you, pal. This is still (?) America, and we’re making all sorts of excuses for fat fats these days. Why can’t I get in on the grift fun? Do you know how stressful it is to be in the midst of the most successful sports run of your life? I am going to enjoy every second of this while I can. If that means I eat half the tray of pigs in a blanket at the watch party or house six wings and chili cheese fries at The Peanut by myself on a semi-regular basis, then so damn be it. We’re riding the wave.
But it’s important that the wave of bloat doesn’t turn into permanent doughiness. That’s a worry that can turn into legitimate concern. Let’s keep the weight off together this winter. Here’s some tips from your ol’ pal Bri.
Eat Small Meals
During an extended postseason run of any kind, it’s nearly impossible to shed the holiday weight. At least that’s what I say to myself. There has been a bag of Trader Joe’s peanut butter filled pretzels sitting on my counter in perpetuity since like Week 16. Start thinking about Joe Burrow’s stats against the blitz? Grab a handful and stare off into the distance. Grab another handful and realize the dogs have been sitting at my feet for like 20 minutes and the bag is gone. It’s from Trader Joe’s so it’s healthy. We’re fine.
Walks/Pacing
With a pile of work you ignored during the last two weeks of December that you’ve been chopping away at along with attempts at dieting mixed with postseason stress, it’s important to pair a healthy diet with exercise. Keep track of your steps and set a standing alarm on your Apple Watch. Don’t let those commercials where people get saved from dying by their Apple Watch calling 911 scare you off. It’s not like Ted Kennedy is driving you home from work every night. Put it to good use and set some step goals. Read an article on PFF about how Joe Burrow is ready to overtake Patrick Mahomes as the AFC’s best QB? Walk it off. Let’s go walk around the block, maybe head up to Ace Hardware and buy a hose.
Keto + drugs
This is where you eat cobb salad for every meal and do a ton of cocaine every weekend. Effective, definitely not safe. But entirely effective. Not FDA approved.
Watch your beer intake
Vodka, tequila, whiskey and gin have zero carbs. Try the hard stuff.
Intellectual Exercises
It is important to keep your mind sharp during the postseason by engaging and promoting productive dialogue between friends, family and strangers on the internet. Resist the urge to use insensitive language towards someone who may be a 14 year old troll on Reddit. Think twice before tweeting. Consider the risks before jumping into that Bengals Discord chat. Diverse, stimulating conversation keeps you sane.
Don’t Forget To Stop and Smell the Roses
Next year is no guarantee. Especially if you keep eating this way, fatso. Mix in a salad and lemon water. We’re in this for the long haul.